Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos