Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Are we there yet?…
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables