lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.