Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ouch
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.