Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
not to brag, but mine was free
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea