When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.