It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?