I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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This kid is a star!
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*bites zombie*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
A wise man once said nothing.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.