Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You Might Also Like
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My inexpensive home security system…
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.