Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.