My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend