Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
happy mother’s day❤️
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich