friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You Might Also Like
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.