She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Sounds like a bargain
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow