Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
This is my bus stop.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*