7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk