I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.