ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The cashier just checked me out.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream