FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I just ran a .003048K
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.