me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
respect
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*