I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*jingles half the way*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I just tested negative for patience.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?