going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt