Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven