Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car