If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel