I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.