You Might Also Like
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
cats when you pet them too long:
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year