the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to