Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.