Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This is I, Robot all over again
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
happy valentine’s day to me
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.