My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
britain’s three elite institutions
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does