Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
You Might Also Like
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard