Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.