I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Sponch
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”