Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.