If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*