If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.