I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
One of the best
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Every BBC series about the universe.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married