Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Oh. My. God.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.