I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.