road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
You Might Also Like
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.