i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
πππ
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I donβt have to
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: donβt worry, Iβll make it look like an accident
what do you mean i didnβt reach out i literally thought about you
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Him: βYouβre not like other girlsβ
My anxiety and insecurity: βTold yaβ
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I got my DNA results back and found out Iβm 15% βOtherβ and now Iβm ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Theyβre creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know itβs the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, heβll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.