I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
paddle faster i hear baby shark