Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Pringles
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.