Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise