You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.