Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
A roof is a house hat.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Admin smashed it 😂