We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
You Might Also Like
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.