It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
You Might Also Like
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Owl Sanctuary
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*pronounces fake like saké*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner