Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.